Mark Reeder, MA, LPC

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validation

green mtn.

I was talking with a friend the other day and he shared an experience which I think describes validation perfectly.  lllllll

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Living the questions

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves … Rainer Maria Rilke

featured-expandingI once attended a workshop and the leader spoke of giving workshops in both the US and in Japan. Generally speaking attendees from the US came with the question, “How can I be happy? What can I do to be happy?” The question from those from Japan ran along the lines of, “How can I not interfere in the larger scheme of things?” Two different questions, two very different approaches to living. The questions we ask shape how we live our lives.  What questions are you asking?

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Connecting the Dots

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
—  Soren Kierkegaard

portfolio-aquaComing upon this quote I was reminded of Steve Jobs and his Stanford commencement address a few years back.  He described his experience taking a calligraphy class after dropping out of college.  He continued his education taking only classes in which he was truly interested, one being calligraphy.  At the time he was not aware of the “why”, only that he enjoyed it and had the desire.  Years later when developing the personal computer he wanted his fonts to have style and design and not the boring technical look of the current fonts.  Only then did he come to realize the benefit of learning calligraphy.  He expressed his view that one can’t plot or connect the dots of our lives looking forward but only backward and in retrospect we can see how past events, situations, chance meetings, choices,  lead us to our present point in our lives.

I don’t know about you, but I find this comforting.  Looking back I can see how everything in my life contributed to my growth and how choices I made in the past now make sense.  Comforting to know when I am in moments of doubt and confusion currently, if I follow my desires and what I enjoy I will eventually be able to look backwards, understand and “connect the dots”.

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Letting go of the familiar

Embracing-croppedAny healing or therapy ideally allows an introduction of new options to replace old patterns of behavior, attitudes, thinking, emotions, ways of being that no longer serve us. As much as we might want to change however, we cannot give up old ways of living without something to replace them.  This requires risk.

Another problem that arises in any growth process is something a friend of mine calls the “comfort of the familiar”.  We may hate our job, know we have outgrown a relationship or friendship, maintain self-criticism or self-pity when we know they no longer serve us or any number of situations or behaviors yet we hang on to them as if our very survival is dependent on maintaining the status quo.  Why you might ask?  They are familiar!  We know how to handle them even if they make us miserable.  Hitting this point of awareness most of us make a resolution to grow and change,  pull out the familiar tool of self-discipline and try to force change and end up back, yes, right where we started.

How to get out of this dilemma?  Remember me mentioning we need something to replace old ways with something new?  How about self-responsiveness, self-trust, a sense of self?  As we get more comfortable and accepting of who we are the process of letting go becomes much easier.   And much more comfortable.